Trudeau: Appointing Poilievre, Smith, and Ford as Canada’s Joint Fentanyl Czars

comedy piece

OTTAWA—In a bold and deeply confusing move, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced that Pierre Poilievre, Danielle Smith, and Doug Ford will serve as Canada’s first-ever Joint Fentanyl Czars, reporting directly to him. The trio, previously known for their strong opposition to Trudeau, will now work together to solve Canada’s opioid crisis with zero experience and maximum outrage.

A Dream Team of... Something

"These three have spent hours yelling about this issue without offering real solutions," Trudeau said at a press conference. "So, I figured—why not give them the job? See how they like it!"

Pierre Poilievre, after taking a deep breath through his invisible air filter, promised to eliminate fentanyl with the power of Bitcoin and personal responsibility. "Drug users should simply buy houses instead of overdosing," he added, before storming off to avoid answering follow-up questions.

Danielle Smith was thrilled with her new role, vowing to cure fentanyl addiction using horse dewormer and a radio call-in show. "The science is unsettled," she explained, while suggesting that opioid overdose might actually be caused by 15-minute cities.

Doug Ford, meanwhile, celebrated the appointment by bulldozing a downtown Toronto hospital to make way for another Tim Hortons. "Folks, if you're too high to find a drive-thru, you're not trying hard enough," he said, before wiping donut glaze off his tie.

An Innovative Reporting Structure

The three will report directly to Trudeau, though critics note they will likely spend more time blaming each other than addressing the crisis. Government insiders expect at least three fistfights per cabinet meeting and a record-breaking number of “Not My Fault” press conferences.

Meanwhile, Trudeau remains hopeful. "At the very least," he shrugged, "this should keep them too busy to run for my job."

Only time will tell if this is a genius strategy or the greatest policy disaster since Andrew Scheer tried to smile.